Adult friendships are harder to build than the ones that formed on the playground or in a college dorm, but research says they are worth the effort. Here are 7 science-backed steps for making friends as an adult and keeping them.
Why adult friendships matter for your health
Loneliness is more than a bad mood. In a 2023 advisory, then-U.S. Surgeon General Dr. Vivek Murthy reported that about half of U.S. adults say they have experienced loneliness and that its health risks are as deadly as smoking up to 15 cigarettes a day, The Associated Press reported via PBS NewsHour.
The report found loneliness raises the risk of premature death by nearly 30 percent. Poor social connection is also linked to higher risks of heart disease, stroke, depression, anxiety and dementia.
So treat friend time like a workout or a doctor’s appointment: something you schedule, not something you squeeze in if there’s time left over.
1. Expect it to take time
Friendship runs on hours together. University of Kansas researcher Jeffrey Hall found it takes roughly 50 hours of time together to go from acquaintance to casual friend, about 90 hours to become friends and more than 200 hours to become close friends, according to a 2018 KU news release on his study in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships.
That math explains why adult friendships feel slow to form. Without a classroom or dorm hall forcing you together, you have to create those hours on purpose.
2. Pick a place you’ll return to
Repeated contact does a lot of the work. Choose one or two activities you genuinely enjoy and will show up for every week: a running club, a pickup league, a book club, a volunteer shift, a class or a neighborhood group. The activity gives you something to talk about, and seeing the same faces regularly turns strangers into familiar people.
Quality beats quantity in adult friendships. A few people you see often will do more for you than a long list of followers you never talk to.
3. Don’t count out online communities
Gaming servers, forums and interest-based groups can be real places to connect, especially for people who find face-to-face small talk draining. A 2014 study of 280 gamers by researchers at Germany’s University of Münster found that emotionally sensitive, or shy, players reported more online friends than offline ones, and that many of those online friendships carried over into real life, Engadget reported.
If an online friendship clicks, consider a voice call or an in-person meetup to deepen it.
4. Assume people like you more than you think
Many adults hold back on new adult friendships because they assume a new acquaintance wasn’t that into the conversation. Research suggests that fear is usually wrong. In a 2018 study in Psychological Science, researchers from Yale, Cornell, Harvard and the University of Essex found people consistently underestimate how much their conversation partners like them, a pattern they called the “liking gap,” Yale News reported.
5. Make the first move, and be specific
Reaching out is appreciated more than you might expect. A study led by Peggy Liu of the University of Pittsburgh, published in 2022 in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, found that people underestimate how much others value a check-in, especially an unexpected one, PsyPost reported. “Others are likely to appreciate being reached out to more than people think,” Liu said.
When you do reach out, skip the vague “we should hang out sometime.” Try “Want to grab coffee Saturday at 10 a.m.?” A specific plan is easier to say yes to.
6. Build a standing plan
Plenty of promising adult friendships fade between meetups because everyone gets busy. A recurring plan fixes that: a monthly brunch, a weekly walk or a regular game night. Once it’s on the calendar, you stop renegotiating every get-together, and those 50, 90 and 200 hours start to add up. Psychologist Andrea Bonior makes a similar case for building momentum in Psychology Today.
Small gestures count, too. A quick text, a handwritten note or showing up when someone invites you keeps a connection warm without a big production.
7. Accept false starts, and let draining friendships go
Not every connection will take, and adult friendships ebb and flow. Moves, new jobs, kids and schedule changes can stall even good friendships, and that doesn’t mean you failed. Keep showing up to your people and places, and some connections will deepen.
It’s also OK to step back from friendships that leave you feeling worse. That can simply mean investing less time and energy, without any big confrontation.
The bottom line on adult friendships
Adult friendships take intention: find a place to show up, say yes, suggest specific plans and keep following up. For more advice on connection and well-being, read our guides to texting boundaries while dating and clutter and stress, or visit our Health & Relationships section.
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