Situationships Are Taking Over—No Wonder Dating Feels So Messy

Let me be real with you for a second. I was scrolling through TikTok the other day (as one does when avoiding actual responsibilities) when I stumbled across yet another video titled “texts from my situationship.” And honestly? It made my eye twitch a little.

Not because I’m judging anyone caught up in these weird relationship gray areas—trust me, I’ve been there. But because watching someone analyze three-word responses from someone they’re clearly catching feelings for just hits different when you’re on the outside looking in.

So let’s talk about it. What exactly are situationships, why do they mess with our heads so much, and what can you actually do about it?

What Are Situationships, Really?

Picture this: you’re seeing someone regularly. You text each other good morning and good night. You’ve met their friends (maybe). You know their coffee order and their biggest work stress. You’re definitely having sex. But if someone asked you to introduce them at a party, you’d probably panic and stammer something like, “This is… uh… this is Jake.”

That’s a situationship in a nutshell.

Urban Dictionary defines it as when people “just chill, have sex, and be confused on the fact that we are not together.” Harsh? Maybe. Accurate? Unfortunately, yes.

It’s that frustrating space between casual hookups and committed relationships where you get all the emotional investment without any of the security. You’re not just friends with benefits because there are actual feelings involved. But you’re not dating either because nobody wants to put a label on it.

Why Situationships Feel Like Emotional Torture

Here’s the thing that really gets me about situationships—they’re designed to keep you in a constant state of uncertainty. And our brains absolutely hate uncertainty.

When you’re in a situationship, you’re constantly trying to decode signals. Does their quick response mean they like you, or are they just bored? When they suggest hanging out, is it because they want to see you or because their other plans fell through? It’s exhausting.

Dr. Michelle Herzog, a therapist and dating coach, points out that this ambiguity can seriously mess with your mental health. You end up ruminating constantly, wondering if they’re into you or if things will progress. It’s like being stuck in an emotional hamster wheel.

And the worst part? You can’t even complain about it properly because you’re not technically in a relationship. Your friends start giving you that look—you know the one—when you bring up your situationship drama again. The “why don’t you just ask them what you are?” look.

The Psychology Behind Why We Stay Stuck

So why do we do this to ourselves? Why do intelligent, self-aware people get trapped in these relationship purgatory situations?

Sometimes it’s because we’re afraid of rejection. Asking “what are we?” feels like putting ourselves on the line in a way that could end everything. At least in a situationship, we get some version of the person we want, even if it’s not the whole package.

Other times, it’s because we’re not sure what we want either. Maybe you just got out of a long relationship and you genuinely don’t know if you’re ready for commitment. A situationship can feel like a safe middle ground.

And sometimes—let’s be honest—it’s because we think we can change their mind. We convince ourselves that if we’re just cool enough, fun enough, understanding enough, they’ll suddenly realize they want to be with us for real.

When Situationships Actually Work

Before I completely bash the concept, let me acknowledge that situationships can work for some people. If both parties genuinely want the same thing—companionship and intimacy without commitment—it can be a perfectly healthy arrangement.

The keyword there is “both.” When everyone’s on the same page about expectations, nobody gets hurt. It’s when there’s a mismatch in what people want that situationships become problematic.

Maybe you’re going through a major life transition and don’t have the bandwidth for a serious relationship. Maybe you’re moving cities in six months and want a connection without the complication of long-distance. These are valid reasons to choose something more casual.

Red Flags That Your Situationship Is Toxic

Not all situationships are created equal. Some are genuinely casual and fun, while others are straight-up emotionally damaging. Here are some signs yours might be in the latter category:

They keep you at arm’s length socially. You never meet their friends or family, and they always have an excuse for why you can’t come to social events.

Communication is consistently one-sided. You’re always the one initiating conversations or making plans. When you pull back, radio silence.

They’re hot and cold with no explanation. One week, they’re texting you constantly, the next, they barely respond. This kind of inconsistency is designed to keep you hooked.

They get weird when you bring up the future. Even casual mentions of plans more than a week out make them visibly uncomfortable.

How to Handle Situationship Stress

If you’re currently in a situationship that’s messing with your mental health, here’s what relationship experts suggest:

Pay Attention to How You Actually Feel

Not how you think you should feel, but how you actually feel. Are you anxious more often than you’re happy? Do you find yourself constantly checking your phone or overanalyzing their behavior? That’s your body telling you something isn’t working.

Have The Dreaded Conversation

I know, I know. Nobody wants to be the person who brings up “the talk.” But here’s the thing—avoiding it doesn’t make the questions go away. It just makes them louder in your head.

You don’t have to deliver some dramatic ultimatum. Just be honest about what you want. “I’m really enjoying spending time with you, and I’m looking for something more committed. Is that something you’re interested in exploring?”

Their response will tell you everything you need to know.

Set A Timeline for Yourself

If they need time to figure things out, that’s fair. But you don’t have to wait indefinitely. Give yourself a reasonable timeline—maybe a month—to see if things progress. If they don’t, you have your answer.

Don’t be Afraid to Walk Away

This is the hardest part, but sometimes the kindest thing you can do for yourself is end a situationship that isn’t serving you. Yes, it means giving up the possibility of something more with them. But it also means opening yourself up to finding someone who actually wants the same things you do.

Moving Forward After a Situationship

Breaking up with a situationship can feel weird because you’re grieving something that never officially existed. But those feelings were real, and the loss is real too.

Give yourself permission to be sad about it. Write in your journal, cry during sad movies, vent to your friends. Process the experience so you can learn from it and avoid similar situations in the future.

Most importantly, take some time to figure out what you actually want before jumping back into dating. Are you looking for something serious? Casual? Somewhere in between? Being clear about your intentions from the start can help you avoid situationship limbo in the future.

The Bottom Line on Situationships

Here’s what I’ve learned from watching friends navigate situationships (and from my own experiences): they’re only good when everyone involved genuinely wants the same thing.

If you’re someone who craves stability, consistency, and clear communication in relationships, situationships probably aren’t for you. And that’s perfectly okay. You’re not being “too much” or “too needy” by wanting to know where you stand with someone.

On the flip side, if you genuinely prefer keeping things casual and undefined, own that choice. Just make sure you’re being honest with the people you’re involved with about your intentions.

The problem isn’t situationships themselves—it’s when we use them as a consolation prize when we really want something more, or when we’re not honest about our expectations.

At the end of the day, you deserve to be with someone who’s excited about being with you. Not someone who sees you as a maybe, or a “for now,” or a backup plan. You deserve someone who chooses you clearly and consistently, not someone who keeps you in relationship purgatory because it’s convenient for them.

Trust me on this one. The right person won’t leave you wondering where you stand. They’ll make it pretty damn clear that they want to be there.