Are You Secretly Sabotaging Your Own Relationship? Here’s How to Tell

Self-sabotaging is a term that should be considered an oxymoron. Sabotaging includes damaging and destructive behavior. You should want your relationship to be healthy and satisfying, for yourself and your partner. So why would you sabotage it? No doubt, people don’t wake up one morning and say, “My goal today is to destroy my relationship.” However, their behavior confirms their subversive patterns.

When people self-sabotage, they often have unresolved issues that have led to wrong thinking. As a result, they undermine their own relationships. How can you tell if you’re secretly sabotaging your own happiness? Here are some telling traits of a self-sabotager.

Temperamental

This means you’re not even-tempered, but temperamental. It doesn’t take much to make you mad, and once the fire’s been lit, there’s hell to pay, especially for your partner. They have to hear you rage, complain, and throw tantrums. This can go on for hours, days, or even weeks. You have no filter, and you’re out of control. Or maybe you’re like a quiet storm that rages inwardly, and your partner feels your wrath in mean stares, slammed doors, and silent treatment.

Temperamental people often have high expectations of others. However, the temperamental people don’t live up to them. The bottom line is that anger leads to unrest and trouble. Scripture teaches that anger rests in the bosom of fools.

If you exhibit anger issues that negatively affect your behavior, then you’re probably harboring past wounds or traumas that are manifesting in your actions. Unresolved hurts or fears can actually turn people against themselves. Negative thoughts cause them to lash out at others, especially those who are closest to them. This can lead to self-destruction.

Selfishness

Selfishness is not a good characteristic for relationships.  It doesn’t translate well. Since solid relationships are built on mutual love and respect, there’s no room for selfishness. A quick way to make the foundation unstable is to engage in it. If you didn’t get enough attention as a child, or if you’ve felt overlooked in life, you may have selfish tendencies. Your behavior, which you may justify, can potentially take away what you hope to keep.

Selfishness can lead to self-sabotaging behavior, such as holding grudges if you don’t get what you want, or withholding affection. You may be a covert narcissist if you constantly gaslight, stonewall, disrespect, or use passive-aggression.

It’s time to realize that you’re sabotaging your own relationship and put a stop to it. If you have to seek a therapist or a Christian counselor, do so as soon as possible. Put pride aside. Kick ego to the curb. Do whatever it takes to remove selfishness.

Controlling

When people are controlling, it makes the other people in the relationship miserable. Controlling can be manipulating and dominating others, leading to abuse in relationships. When people control others, they may manage their every move, limit their contact with other people, or hold them personally accountable. These behaviors aren’t fair to the recipients of that abuse and can cause people to walk away.

If you’re engaging in controlling habits, you must turn your situation around. Stop controlling others, or else it will capsize because of your self-sabotaging behavior.

Poor Communication Skills

People with poor communication skills ruin relationships quickly. People’s poor communication skills can stem from many causes, including emotional unavailability, entitlement, and trust issues. When people are emotionally unavailable, they lack emotional intelligence. This is the ability to express their emotions.

They also don’t empathize with the feelings of others. They seem distant, uncaring. and uncommitted. Entitled people care only about their own needs and think they’re owed whatever they may want. And people who don’t trust are always accusing their partners of wrongdoing. These are not behaviors that will sustain long-lasting relationships.

Lying

A liar typically has something to hide. They’re cheating or withholding information that would make them look bad. Liars are secretive. Often, liars accuse their partners of lying to cover up their own lies.

When people lie obsessively, their stories don’t match, which opens the door to friction and arguments. Liars should not seek closeness with others because their lies would derail it. I once heard a preacher say that God won’t ask liars to give an account on judgment day because they’d only lie.

Liars are untrustworthy, but healthy unions are built on trust.  When people won’t stop lying in their relationships, they should know it’s only a matter of time before it comes crashing down.

Breaking Free

The best way to break free of self-sabotaging behavior is to stop the behavior that may cause your relationship to crumble. Seek outside help if you find yourself constantly sabotaging what you should be nurturing. Say no to bad behavior. If you’re temperamental, selfish, controlling, miscommunicating, or lying, you’re on your way to singlehood. Ditch the negative behavior and embrace positive behavior to hold on to what you have.