Grief: How to Support Someone Who is Grieving the Loss of a Loved One

Death and grief are subjects that many people in our culture struggle with. It’s something we often avoid thinking about until it’s suddenly in our face and we have no choice but to deal with it. And yet, we often don’t know how. What do you do to help someone through a major loss? What do you say? What should you avoid saying?

The author of this piece writes from personal experience and observation. However, it is very important to remember that grief is unique for every person who experiences it. And it’s unique for each time it is experienced. My wish is to help you to have a better idea of how to help.

What is Grief?

Grief is so difficult to define. It’s so much more than just one emotion. Put simply, grief is what we go through after a significant loss. It can affect you after a death, loss of a job, the end of a relationship, a divorce, or so much more. For this discussion, though, we’re focusing on how to support someone who is grieving a significant death.

The Five Stages of Grief

You’ve probably heard of the Kübler-Ross model of the Five Stages of Grief. They are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. But you should know that this is a theory. The stages aren’t linear. There isn’t some set order that a person will experience them. And, they can circle around again and again.

Where to Begin Providing Support?

First, just let them know you are there and that you care. How much you can help may depend on how close the two of you are when the death happens. But anyone can offer help if done with the right courtesy. Understand that they may be in a fog. They’re wrestling with so many emotions all at once that they may not even know what they need.

So, observe. If you’re close to them, offer to watch their children. Offer to clean the house or cook meals. Or do the shopping for them. Make sure they eat. Offer to go with them to do the important end-of-life tasks like visiting the funeral home. Just be present. Sometimes your presence is all that is needed.

However, also be observant of when they need space. They need time to come to terms with what happened. Some people will want someone there to give them a tight hug as they crumble and fall apart. Some prefer solitude. Respect that.

What to Say (And Not Say)

• Say, “I don’t know what you’re going through, but I am here.”
• Say, “Can I help you with…?”
• Say, “When did you last eat?”

These, and similar things, are very helpful to a person who is grieving. However, sometimes, sitting with them in silence and letting them talk is even better. Listen to what they’re telling you and see what they’re showing you that they actually need.

• Do not say, “I understand.”
• Do not say, “Everything happens for a reason.”
• Do not say, “God doesn’t give us anything we can’t handle.”

These, and similar things, are not at all helpful to the grieving person. You mean well when you say these things, but it can actually cause hurt that you don’t intend. Even if you have experienced a terrible loss of your own, your loss and your grief were not the same. So you cannot understand theirs. Think about these statements and imagine you are in their shoes. It’s imperfect because you cannot feel what they feel, but think what you might feel. What reason could there be for someone they loved so much to be gone from this world?

Where Else Can You Find Resources?

Whether you are grieving or supporting someone who is, there are many resources available both around you and online.

• What’s Your Grief: A website for grief support. It was very helpful through my own loss.
• Local Resources: Search for local support groups. Hospitals, Community Centers, and Mental Health Centers often offer these resources.
• 988 Lifeline: If you are struggling and need to talk, you can chat online, text, or call. They also offer services for deaf and hard-of-hearing individuals.

These are only a few examples of the available resources. You aren’t alone. Even if you are supporting someone who is grieving, you may experience deep feelings yourself. So take care of yourself, too. And, when the fog clears and time has passed, the scar of grief remains with them, but so does the warm memory that you were there through it all.

Disclaimer: This article is intended for informational purposes only and does not constitute professional advice, diagnosis, or treatment. If you are experiencing significant relationship challenges or emotional distress, please consult a licensed therapist, counselor, or mental health professional.