Emotional abuse through gaslighting is like a slow unraveling of reality, whereby one’s doubts and confusion are instilled through the manipulating acts of another that leave one confused with their perception and belief. More often than not, victims end up feeling isolated, helpless, and unable to differentiate between truth and falsehood. Abusers inflict this kind of emotional abuse to gain power over their victims. It can take place in any form of relationship, be it romantic, family, or even professional. This list comprises some of the warning signs that can help you safeguard not only yourself but also your relationships.
Types of Gaslighting
Gaslighting is often associated with coercion, scapegoating, outright lying, and reality manipulation. Such actions make the victim question their feelings towards reality and self-perception. The liar who tells flat-out lies plants in the partner’s brain doubts as they come up with stories to cover up some wrongful act or acts that have been committed. It is at this point that confusion sets in, and the victim starts doubting their sense of reality and instincts. Techniques of reality manipulation work by manipulating a victim’s memory and perception of occurrences until their self-esteem is so beaten that they are led to question their judgment.
The other common techniques used in gaslighting are scapegoating and coercion. Scapegoating is a shift of blame from the issues an abuser normally has to the victim, otherwise called projecting. This behavior places the victim in a state of guilt, while the gaslighter assumes no responsibility for their actions. Coercion often happens within a spectrum and can be anything from emotional pressure to physical violence. This spectrum often blurs the line that separates a caring concern from abusive manipulation, making it hard for the victim to tell one from the other. Gaslighting does, in most cases, spiral out of control within any relationship.
Signs of Gaslighting
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Gaslighting can be difficult to identify, especially in codependent relationships. This might be one of the clearest signs: your partner constantly diminishes your feelings while validating their own “because theirs is the real truth.” You start doubting your reality as they correct or even deny your memory. Statements like “You are remembering that wrong” or “That didn’t happen” are utilized to manipulate your perceptions.
Other warning signs involve the dismissal and minimization of your feelings. They might dismiss your concerns with “I was only teasing” or indicate that feelings are selfish to express. They might interrupt conversations as a means of invalidating your feelings. These behaviors can make you feel unheard and uncertain about whether you have the right to express yourself. It places you in a cycle of dependence. Understanding what warning signs to look out for should help you set boundaries and communicate better.
Responses to Protect Yourself
In cases of gaslighting behaviors, it is important to hold fast to your sense of reality but not to create a truth-fighting exercise. Rather than directly accusing the gaslighter of being a liar, state that you see it differently or remember the situation differently. This affirms your perception without engaging in a fight. If, for example, someone blames you for something, boldly state that you are aware that you are not to blame and that you refuse to accept any form of responsibility. In the same way, this simple act of self-affirmation may help your grounding in your truth and, in turn, avoid manipulation from the gaslighter.
Another potent technique is to directly confront the behavior of the gaslighter. If theirs is an attack on you or a diversionary tactic, say in an even tone that you understand what they are saying, but you have to discuss what’s at hand with them now. If they persist in deflecting, then firmly restate your concern and be prepared to end the conversation if they will not engage in a constructive conversation. Remember, it is quite all right to make a conscious decision to avoid the emotional turmoil that can be involved with gaslighting. It’s a valid and strong act of self-preservation to step away and value your well-being.
Final Thoughts
Gaslighting is an insidious form of emotional abuse; it can leave its victims lost in a labyrinth of their own making. Like a funhouse mirror, everything is distorted, and all of your perceptions are brought into question. The gaslighter wants to plant that seed of doubt so that you start to whittle down your confidence, step by step, to make yourself wonder if maybe you are going crazy. Just imagine a loving couple where one of the partners slowly begins to undermine the other’s memories: “You never said that” or “You’re imagining things” are common phrases.
These phrases result in the victim eventually dropping the idea and then beginning to doubt their experience and feel isolated and helpless. This is the very insidious quality of gaslighting: the way it strips your sense of self and makes you feel like you’re becoming detached from reality. But there is still hope—by recognizing the signs and by learning how to protect oneself, any victim can take back their reality and get rid of the claws of the gaslighter. This lies in respecting one’s truth and setting limits. It’s your choice to decide to participate in a healthy, respectful relationship. You have a right to your perceptions and feelings, and nobody should manipulate you into doubting them.
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