Fake forgiveness is an attempt to gloss over an offense and pretend everything is fine, whereas unresolved hurt and resentment remain. The impulse to forgive before being ready stems partly from how much moral weight our society places on forgiving. After all, we are told that the best way to get over a conflict is to forgive and forget, but that notion is not necessarily the wisest.
Reasons Fake Forgiveness is Toxic in Relationships
Fake forgiveness is fundamentally a sort of self-betrayal. When you move on before you’re prepared to, you skip over the internal check-in that you need to feel all the complex feelings of hurt. Allowing yourself to feel what is real for you will help you find what you need to recover, whether it’s “stillness, comfort, care, connection, distance, or anger. ” If you accept an apology without first taking this step, you are not preparing yourself to go forward. Instead, you are simply “pushing the reality of the hurt out of your mind.
Failing to handle the resulting anguish effectively increases the likelihood that it may reappear later. “When people try to get over things too quickly, the anger and resentment emerge when they realize they have never properly grieved their pain. By the time that point arrives, it may not be evident where the rage is coming from. It typically comes out sideways in the form of passive-aggressive digs.
How to Know if You Have Fallen into the Trap of Fake Forgiveness
Perhaps the most telling sign that your forgiveness of another person isn’t benefiting you (or them) is the sensation that you only forgave them because you had to avoid a dispute. This temptation often stems from feeling shame, guilt, or embarrassment that their actions have hurt you, so you attempt to assuage it by just pretending to be over it. If a person has been deeply hurt by someone they care about, they may believe it is their fault for becoming so distraught.
She suggests that maybe the person who hurt you manipulated you into feeling that way or maybe blaming yourself makes the situation feel more within your control. In any scenario, accepting complete guilt may cause you to “forgive” someone else while, in your heart, you are still deeply hurt due to their acts. This could manifest as negative self-talk about your own emotions.
If you think things like, “I shouldn’t be this mad,” or “I’m immature for letting this affect our relationship,” it is a strong sign that you’re ignoring your genuine feelings in favor of phony forgiveness. By doing so, you’re ignoring the vital message that these sentiments convey—namely, that you haven’t completely healed and that more work needs to be done before your relationship can properly progress.
Similarly, if you throw indirect jabs at your partner, it could be a sign that unresolved emotions are bubbling beneath the surface. “When we’re hurting because of a deep wound, these kinds of comments can come out over seemingly innocuous things. Whenever we are highly reactive, it shows that we have not worked through our hurt feelings.” That is, regardless of how many apologies we profess to have accepted.
How to Go Towards Genuine Forgiveness
Fake forgiveness is clearly defined as forgiveness provided prematurely before you are truly ready to accept an apology. But if you find yourself in this position, how can you grow to the level of acceptance required for true forgiveness? Believes that it all starts with exercising genuine self-care.
In the early aftermath of being wounded by someone, it is critical to maintain your boundaries and give yourself the space you require from the person who hurt you to feel secure again. True forgiveness may become possible when you genuinely feel their threat to you, whether physical or emotional or something else, is past.
In this phase, it is also vital to figure out “how you feel and what forgiveness in this relationship means to you without letting anyone else tell you how you should feel or when it’s time to forgive. Allowing yourself the time you need to address your hurt and anger, rather than suppressing those emotions, may hold the key to understanding how you can heal the relationship with the person who hurt you.
Final Thoughts
Fake forgiveness may seem like an easy solution, but it is a toxic trap that can destroy relationships. Recognizing the dangers of pseudo-forgiveness can prevent resentment and anger, cultivate genuine forgiveness, and encourage authentic healing.
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