What It Really Means to Be Emotionally Unavailable (And How to Spot It)

Emotionally unavailable individuals appear the same as everyone else until you get too close. We all have boundaries that we prefer to maintain; however, some avoid transparency, even in close relationships. Being emotionally unavailable means people don’t allow themselves to become emotionally involved with others. They’re only willing to walk on the surface level in relationships rather than dive deeper.

They resist connecting with others emotionally. To some, this behavior seems cold or uncaring, but for emotionally detached or avoidant people, this feels safe. Usually, they’re protecting their emotions because of past traumatic experiences that have left them emotionally stuck or shut down. This may be fine in strictly professional work settings, but when it comes to romantic relationships or friendships, this can create problems.

Signs of Being Emotionally Unavailable

Avoids Closeness

When people are emotionally unavailable, they enjoy relationships as long as they don’t have to open up. However, this emotional wall affects the other person and has negative consequences for the relationship. For example, if their partner expresses a need to talk because of sensing friction in the relationship, they may go silent, change the subject, or walk away. Becoming emotionally available isn’t appealing, and based on their past experiences, it won’t end well.

Prefers Solitude

Many who are emotionally unavailable tend to be loners. They don’t have a wide circle of friends because they don’t like to get too personal in relationships. When conversations become too personal, involving past relationships or family matters, they don’t have much to say.

Friends may pour out their hearts to them without getting much in response because they’re emotionally detached. And they lack the tools to recover their suppressed emotions.  Their lack of empathy and disconnection make them seem like the walking dead.

Has Commitment Failure

When in a serious romantic relationship with someone emotionally unavailable, you may want to take your commitment to the next level. However, you may get resistance. Emotionally unavailable people avoid getting any closer than they have to. Emotionalism makes them squirm. They feel uncomfortable saying they love you.  They hesitate to commit because they’re unready or unsure you’re the one. They obviously don’t make the best partners. So, those in relationships with them must recognize the signs.

Has Trust Issues

Emotionally unavailable people have trust issues. Their wall of protection keeps them “safe” from further hurt or disappointment. Although they’re in a romantic relationship, they don’t allow themselves to trust the other person’s love for them.

This stems from past experiences that have no bearing on their current relationship. Their trust issues signal that they have cognitive detachment issues, meaning their words and actions may be different from their thoughts and feelings. For example, they may say they want to work things out without taking steps to do so. This can lead to mental disorder, causing a downward spiraling effect if they don’t get help.

Seems Undependible

People’s emotionally unavailable habits affect other areas of their lives. They may renege on events they think will require too much emotional energy. Their lack of presence in relationships causes their partners to feel alone. They back away from intimacy, which involves emotional connection, not just the physical. They seem distracted, uncaring, and unapproachable to those who care about them.

Seems Arrogant

Being emotionally unavailable is often seen by others as being arrogant. Arrogant people act rudely and are selfish. They make it all about themselves. They won’t emotionally connect and rebuff those who try to make them; Their “my way or the highway” mentality causes strife. They may catfish their partners or turn the tables by pressuring, accusing, or criticizing them to avoid being cornered.

Enjoys Empty Success

People with emotional unavailability issues seek other ways to find fulfillment. Some are driven in their careers because it takes their mind away from things that involve their emotions. They’ll throw themselves into their work or hobbies and block all outside voices. Achieving success in the workplace or other areas is rewarding.

Therefore, they experience temporary satisfaction or happiness by not focusing on anything that requires emotional accountability. They don’t realize that being successful in the world doesn’t guarantee a fulfilled life. It’s been said that success is empty without someone to share it with.

How to Break Free

Those who seek freedom from emotional avoidance must realize the toll it’s taking on their relationships. They may lose the person who cares for them most. It’s time for them to stop hiding, avoiding, and living distracted. They must admit they need help and seek out a trained professional, minister, or counselor. 

If they can’t dig deep and uncover the root cause themselves, it’s best to seek out someone to help them figure it out.  Afterwards, they can begin healing. This results in changed behavior. Usually, childhood trauma or attachment disorder stemming from feelings of abandonment may be the root cause. Whatever the reason, it’s time to break free and be present for your partners, friends, and family. There is real achievement in losing the destructive nature of being emotionally unavailable.