Why Gray Divorce Is Surging—and What Relationship Experts Say Is Driving It
Why is divorce after 50 reaching greater heights? There’s even a name for it: gray divorce. What would make couples who’ve been together for 30, 40, or 50 years call it quits? Why throw those years down the drain? Is working it out possible? Recently, a well-respected therapist who’s counseled couples and lectured on relationships, pulled the plug on her own marriage.
Not knowing her details, I wondered why she’d let it go. They seemed happy. However, people over 50 have a right to move on rather than stay in relationships that aren’t working. Maybe the accumulated years prove that they’ve tried to make it work. Assuming they’ve given their marriages their best shot, there are some reasons gray divorce is on the rise.
Boomers Leading the Pack
Baby Boomers are the largest demographic for gray divorce. Their mature status puts divorce after 50 within their reach. Statistics show that marriages lasting for decades are crumbling at a high rate. One of my relatives recently celebrated 42 years of marriage and commented, “Pray for our marriage.” My thought, “Well, it’s lasted this long; y’all are Ok,” may’ve been too judgmental.
Even though they’re not headed for gray divorce, at least I hope not, there are reasons why long-standing marriages are falling apart. Let’s take a look at some of them.
They’ve Grown Apart
Couples who grow apart have changed as individuals throughout the years. No longer having the same interests, needs, or values they had when entering the marriage, they’re no longer in sync. They may’ve been consumed with careers or outside preoccupations that have reshaped their perspectives. This may have led to gray divorce.
Changes can be subtle, but suicidal to marriages. If couples haven’t periodically checked in with each other, assessed each other’s needs, and worked to strengthen their marriages, they’ve lost their grip. Resultingly, after decades go by, they realize they’ve grown apart. They’d rather divorce after 50 than continue as couples.
Changes in Health
Sometimes, as people age, they experience health challenges that are overwhelming to their partners. Suddenly being placed in a caregiver role may cause resentment and pressure. Their wedding vows may’ve said “in sickness and in health,” but the reality of becoming the sole functioning adult in the household may erode the marriage.
Appointments with doctors, therapists, and medical teams can drain their stamina to endure in marriage. Gray divorce may seem like a viable option if they see nothing but medical reports in their view.
They’ve Become Empty Nesters
Some couples had marriages that revolved around their children. They were busy with homework, recitals, games, school meetings, and graduations. Now that the children are grown up and moved out, there’s silence. One woman stated that when their children moved out, she and her husband looked at each other as if to say, “Who are you?”
They had completely lost touch with each other’s needs, interests, or desires because their lives were engrossed with their children’s needs, while they neglected their own. So, gray divorce can be the result of an empty nest.
Unfaithfulness
Sometimes spouses find out after decades of marriage that their spouse has been unfaithful. Their affairs may’ve lasted for years without the other partner’s knowledge. Albeit some partners may discover a single indiscretion. Although the marriage has lasted for decades, this is considered a deal breaker. Divorce after 50 seems like the better option than remaining with an unfaithful spouse.
When infidelity becomes a reality in marriage, whether couples have been married for 3 or 30 years, it destroys trust in their relationships, often causing gray divorce.
Money Management
When couples disagree on how to spend money or whether to adhere to a budget, arguments over finances will ensue. However long couples stay married, being in sync financially is crucial. When couples’ ideas are split on saving money or spending it, the divide can be as wide as the ocean. Many couples divorce over 50 because they refuse to see their pensions or life savings become drained.
How to Support
When any demographic goes through traumatic life changes like divorce, they need support and encouragement. Those going through a gray divorce need a listening ear or the comfort of their relatives and friends. Divorce over 50 brings decades-long marriages to an end. Many couples have been married for longer years than they were single. So switching gears now can be difficult.
If you know anyone who’s going through a gray divorce, whether a relative, friend, coworker, or neighbor, let them know that you are there for them. Let them know that divorce after 50 isn’t the end of the world for them. They may be just getting started.
